I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
