I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
