id be glad to
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
