This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
