In the future we'll all be gay
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize