Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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