he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
