I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
