Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
