zippers are such a cool invention
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
