you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
