i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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