In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize