Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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