Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
