Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
