In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish my penis had an off switch
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And then he peed in my hair
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
