If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
