got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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