I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize