Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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