I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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