You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
