I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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