If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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