You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
