explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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