there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
my liver is dry heaving
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
