Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
