dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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