Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
