Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
