We're like a lot better than the average bears
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
