My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
