I never want to see another naked old woman again.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
