my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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