batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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