my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In other news, I just burned my penis
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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