I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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