just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
