my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
