Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
