you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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