i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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