Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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