He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
