it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize