I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
