It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
