Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize