Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
