Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
