if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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