Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We have started to decorate penises.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize