Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
