I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
