I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just pee around me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
