I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
