I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
