Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He kissed a someone with a penis
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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