Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
