I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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