Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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