I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
