That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
