im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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