if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
