he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Bring me that man meat
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
