I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
