I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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