Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
