Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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